How did it all go so wrong?

Did it have to come to this? How did this misery come to pass? I wasn’t that miserable in elementary school. 1st grade was pretty bad. But after that I was bright academically, I lived in imagination and fantasy, and from 2nd-4th grade I had one friend, but one who I had many adventures was. It is true that in middle school I would look back on elementary school as a horrible time, but I was happy as a child. 6th grade was kind of rough. But I was evolving a new personality. From mouse to clown. I went for the class bad boy. He kicked me at first, tried to keep me away since I was annoying. But we became sort of friends.

So the first half of 6th grade was kinda crummy, but it was a training ground for the second half which was awesome. Ok, looking back on it a lot of it was fake. But at the time it was a New Jerusalem. A complete transformation. Things slowed down in 7th grade. And I became kind of bitter that friendships were all fakes. But I have some fond memories of innocent flirting. 8th to 9th grade was kind of a rough patch. But it was a necessarily adjustment period in which I went from having attention-getting as my goal to academic and athletic ambitions. And then I had some good years in high school. Its true it was all in my head. But there were some objective measures. And I didn’t have to act out for attention since I could live off my past. I was kind of a dignified elder statesman. Maybe that was a bad thing. I grew too conservative and content, and was unable to adapt to the changing social life of college.

I’m Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe, that said it all about my college life. IDK was it that horrible? Frats are pretty bad. But honestly I was so anti-pleasure that I really didn’t give a damn about domination, I was just anti-pleasure period. I kind of blurred hedonism with Roissyism, which is not necessarily justified. But then again isn’t Tucker Max just fratire writ large? I saw the frat as the epitome of all USA culture, and felt myself to be doomed. Although I didn’t retreat. I suppose you could call it a ritualized rebellion. I rejected both the means and goals of society. At the same time while I accepted the means of rebellion, I ritualized it, and did it for the sake of duty, but did not genuinely have faith in the possibility of victory.

Well with such a grim pessimistic view of the total depravity of human nature, perhaps I should be more Hobbesian. That if order can be preserved, justice can be cast aside, because there is no greater injustice than the unleashing of the human instinct. With stability, I could just get any job, and be thankful for a slow steady growth in income. Yes evil men can enjoy great pleasure under this stability, but be thankful they are not unleashed to torture and kill me.

Hobbes says life is all that matters. IF that can be preserved count your blessings. But what is the point of life for the sake of life? Humans are too attached to existence. Why put up with such misery for so many thousands of years. Man truly is a detestable wretch.

To use the Freudian scheme. The id is the raw pleasure instinct. The ego is a rational homoeconomicus calculating the numbers to satisfy the id, a pure pragmatist. And the superego is the highest level of abstraction of the morality of society. I’m basically all superego. Which ironically has sent me into far more conflict with society than the pure id would.

[Via http://enamdar.wordpress.com]

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